The apocalypse is coming. We all know this. We’ve all seen the signs writ large across the heavens. Whether it’s nukes, alien invasion, gay goo, or flesh-eating guinea pigs, the world’s gonna get it soon. It better, otherwise I’m out $50 bucks.
This means you gotta be prepared.
We here at DOOM TRUTH HQ are sitting pretty with our lead-lined mountain bunker, complete with enough food, booze, women, and swimming pools to last us a lifetime.
Heck, the world could have ended already and I simply haven’t noticed.
Anyway, every discerning, half-crazed reader of DOOM TRUTH should have their own shelter. If you do not already have one, fear not! We have 7 easy-to-follow steps on constructing your very own underground doomsday bunker.
1. Have a plan
Draw a plan of your bunker before any work begins. This is critical. It ensures you have all the necessary hot tubs and video game arcades you need to outlast the apocalypse. I drew the blueprint for DOOM TRUTH HQ on a napkin, complete with stick figure-versions of the DT crew. You may realize too while drawing the plan that maybe you don’t have the budget for a nuclear missile silo or rocket ship port. This stage will also prevent future errors, like remembering too late that there are no air vents.
2. Find a suitable plot of land – it should be secret yet accessible
The spot of your future bunker needs to be near your house, accessible with an excavator, yet out of sight from major highways or government watchtowers. Your backyard could be suitable, so long as you don’t have nosy neighbors. Some people start digging in their own basements. Getting the digging equipment into your basement can be a hassle, so that’s definitely a two-man project.
3. Time to excavate
When you start digging, you need to go down minimum of 30 feet, preferably 60. This will give the protection you need from a direct nuclear strike or from alien kill-drones with infrared scanners. Make sure that there is not already a bunker or mole-people enclave already in the spot you’re excavating. Remember: mole-people have ben know to eat through a foot of concrete.
4. Steel and concrete
Lay the bottom foundation of the bunker with a solid, two-foot slab of concrete. The walls and ceiling will need to be concrete reinforced with steel rods and lead sheeting, plated on the outside with a foot or more of hardened steel. Simply raid your local construction site, raw materials factory, or military base to get the necessary materials. While at the military base, feel free to take their guns and ammo while you’re at it.
5. Your new home
Remember, this bunker will be your home from anywhere between a decade to the rest of your life. Make sure it is comfortable and you have plenty of board games and VHS tapes to keep you from going insane. Sitting in one room with nothing to do and soon you’ll go crazy and eat your bunker-mates. Just like the mole-people do. Throw down a carpet here or there to liven the place up!
6. Stock up
Bring food! Lots of it! Stock enough MREs to last up to 10 – 20 years, though to be safe, you may want to store enough food for the rest of your life. Be sure to stock a variety of meals, otherwise you might go insane and eat your bunker-mates. You also should take into account how many other people are going to be with you and pack some snack bars for them. While you’re stocking food, remember to pack things like guns, ammo, alcohol, and whatever you think mutant grasshopper people will use for currency in the future.
7. The future of the human race could depend on you!
This step is, arguably, the most important and the reason you went to all that trouble of building the vault: preserving the human race. Make sure to have enough room in your bunker for members of the opposite sex and your many, many offspring. If no members of the opposite sex wish to join you in the bunker, simply start a cult. Once properly indoctrinated, your loyal followers/mates will gladly live in your vault with you and help you produce offspring. Once you reemerge onto the surface, it will be your fanatical children and grandchildren who will conquer the wasteland and restore civilization.
And there you have it! If you have followed all these steps, your are now the proud owner of a brand new, indestructible underground vault. And also the Supreme Cosmic Overlord of America’s latest cult. You and your descendants will be responsible for repopulating a future Earth devastated by nuclear war and/or an alien rectal virus. Be sure to train your kids for the grueling warfare to come. And make sure they do not fear giant, space-faring, hyper-intelligent arachnids.
– R. T. Madsen and the DOOM TRUTH crew