I’m sorry to tell you that, folks, but yeah, no post this week.
Now before you go into a truth-withdrawal and start foaming a the mouth, let me tell you why.
While trying to cross the border into the sh@thole country of Arzbakistan to investigate some juicy news nuggets, I was captured. I’ve been in a dark room for hours—days maybe at this point—the guards just left for evening prayers. I’ve managed to connect to the Internet with nothing but their old MS-DOS machine and the wires they’ve had clamped to my nipples.
I’m taking potentially my only chance of escape to let you guys know there won’t be a post this week. I hope you all appreciate my sacrifice here for you and the truth!
When my captors get back, the anal probing might be next. I may not survive to see the sun again. If I don’t then this was R. T. Madsen, proud alternative Internet journalist and heroin addict.
The apocalypse is coming. We all know this. We’ve all seen the signs writ large across the heavens. Whether it’s nukes, alien invasion, gay goo, or flesh-eating guinea pigs, the world’s gonna get it soon. It better, otherwise I’m out $50 bucks.
This means you gotta be prepared.
We here at DOOM TRUTH HQ are sitting pretty with our lead-lined mountain bunker, complete with enough food, booze, women, and swimming pools to last us a lifetime.
Heck, the world could have ended already and I simply haven’t noticed.
Anyway, every discerning, half-crazed reader of DOOM TRUTH should have their own shelter. If you do not already have one, fear not! We have 7 easy-to-follow steps on constructing your very own underground doomsday bunker.
1. Have a plan
Draw a plan of your bunker before any work begins. This is critical. It ensures you have all the necessary hot tubs and video game arcades you need to outlast the apocalypse. I drew the blueprint for DOOM TRUTH HQ on a napkin, complete with stick figure-versions of the DT crew. You may realize too while drawing the plan that maybe you don’t have the budget for a nuclear missile silo or rocket ship port. This stage will also prevent future errors, like remembering too late that there are no air vents.
2. Find a suitable plot of land – it should be secret yet accessible
The spot of your future bunker needs to be near your house, accessible with an excavator, yet out of sight from major highways or government watchtowers. Your backyard could be suitable, so long as you don’t have nosy neighbors. Some people start digging in their own basements. Getting the digging equipment into your basement can be a hassle, so that’s definitely a two-man project.
3. Time to excavate
When you start digging, you need to go down minimum of 30 feet, preferably 60. This will give the protection you need from a direct nuclear strike or from alien kill-drones with infrared scanners. Make sure that there is not already a bunker or mole-people enclave already in the spot you’re excavating. Remember: mole-people have ben know to eat through a foot of concrete.
4. Steel and concrete
Lay the bottom foundation of the bunker with a solid, two-foot slab of concrete. The walls and ceiling will need to be concrete reinforced with steel rods and lead sheeting, plated on the outside with a foot or more of hardened steel. Simply raid your local construction site, raw materials factory, or military base to get the necessary materials. While at the military base, feel free to take their guns and ammo while you’re at it.
5. Your new home
Remember, this bunker will be your home from anywhere between a decade to the rest of your life. Make sure it is comfortable and you have plenty of board games and VHS tapes to keep you from going insane. Sitting in one room with nothing to do and soon you’ll go crazy and eat your bunker-mates. Just like the mole-people do. Throw down a carpet here or there to liven the place up!
6. Stock up
Bring food! Lots of it! Stock enough MREs to last up to 10 – 20 years, though to be safe, you may want to store enough food for the rest of your life. Be sure to stock a variety of meals, otherwise you might go insane and eat your bunker-mates. You also should take into account how many other people are going to be with you and pack some snack bars for them. While you’re stocking food, remember to pack things like guns, ammo, alcohol, and whatever you think mutant grasshopper people will use for currency in the future.
7. The future of the human race could depend on you!
This step is, arguably, the most important and the reason you went to all that trouble of building the vault: preserving the human race. Make sure to have enough room in your bunker for members of the opposite sex and your many, many offspring. If no members of the opposite sex wish to join you in the bunker, simply start a cult. Once properly indoctrinated, your loyal followers/mates will gladly live in your vault with you and help you produce offspring. Once you reemerge onto the surface, it will be your fanatical children and grandchildren who will conquer the wasteland and restore civilization.
And there you have it! If you have followed all these steps, your are now the proud owner of a brand new, indestructible underground vault. And also the Supreme Cosmic Overlord of America’s latest cult. You and your descendants will be responsible for repopulating a future Earth devastated by nuclear war and/or an alien rectal virus. Be sure to train your kids for the grueling warfare to come. And make sure they do not fear giant, space-faring, hyper-intelligent arachnids.
ROCHESTER, NY – Just last Saturday, May 5th, something strange happened while Senator Chuck Schumer was giving a speech to the graduating class of the University of Rochester.
While in the middle of inspiring the students about how bright and smiley the future was, the Ioudaios senator suffered a momentary lapse of consciousness just as he was about to begin telling the most inspiring story of all—his own.
Attendants rushed to the senator’s side. But no sooner had he slumped over on the podium when Schumer’s eyes, now pure black, flew open. In a voice that filled the auditorium, the senator brought his speech on a whole other, strange new track. One observer reported the senator’s bizarre words to us here at DOOM TRUTH.
“Woe to you, fools and sheep! A culling of the herd is fast approaching. Yea, a dark day is coming! A day of weeping and wild lamentation. This doom will be preceded by many signs and omens. Seven stars will appear in the night sky and the Earth will open its mouth to receive the Son of Heaven. The chest will be opened and that which was contained will be freed. A storm cloud will pass over this land and leave it desolate. One of three men will be taken. The earth will be cleansed of the human race. The blood of a third of humanity shall be poured out as a libation to the the three-headed Dragon, on whose heads are rows of six horns. Flee into the wilderness! Cower in your homes! It matters not, no one can hide from the all-seeing eye! Nothing you do, nothing you say will matter! You are all dust! Wail in your helplessness, weep in your anguish. Fall down before the dread might of the reaper and his crimson scythe. All shall tremble before him and despair!”
After finishing this proclamation, Senator Schumer’s eyes cleared. He swayed on his feet then smiled reassuringly to the crowd.
“I’m sorry, folks, I seem to have blacked out there for a moment. Now where was I? Ah yes, I was just about to tell you a very inspiring story about me. My story began when I was born a poor black child on the upper West Side…”
Though Senator Schumer tried to cover it up, it seems that he delivered some type of doomsday prophecy. Should we take his warning seriously? Is there a coming culling of humanity? It may be so. Who knows what secrets Schumer is privy to; secrets he may have let slip during his little episode.
For now, just continue to gather supplies and finish digging that apocalypse shelter every reader of DOOM TRUTH is recommended to build. Meanwhile, we here at DT will continue to decipher the senator’s prophecy and also figure out if he switched meds recently.
We’re back again this week with more juicy political news. Today’s dosage is about the elephant—or should I say specter?—in the room.
Remember, the articles at DOOM TRUTH are about the topics no other news site has the balls to write about.
Anyway, on to todays’s post!
Our covert black ops team just made contact after a brief communication blackout. The team has been living in the maintenance passages inside the walls of the White House. And they report that the Trump administration has been unsuccessful in removing the specter that haunts the building.
Though it’s not kosher to talk about, anyone who has visited or worked in the White House for any length of time can attest to the six-legged, shadowy specter that crawls on the building’s walls and ceilings during odd hours of the day and night.
Though the specter’s ultimate purpose is unknown, it spends most of its time secreting black goo in the basement—which keeps he janitorial staff busy—and stalking White House staff members.
Without warning, the specter will snatch a White House employee, usually an intern, with one of its six arms. The intern is slowly forced inside the specter’s shadowy thorax and digested.
Judging by the screams, it’s incredibly painful.
The specter has been caught on camera disgorging its egg-laden goo onto sleeping female employees. The eggs are laying dormant for now. When they will hatch and in what manner is anyone’s guess.
The Trump administration is the first presidential administration in recent history that seems determined to remove the shadowy menace from the White House. They have, according to our intel, already tried several methods of removing it, but nothing so far has worked.
Whacking it with a broom handle only made it angry. While emitting buzzing sounds, like the wings of hundreds of flying insect, the specter devoured a nearby intern before disappearing. Spraying it with a fire hose had a similar affect.
The Trump administration brought in an exorcist to banish the specter. But after beginning the ceremony, the exorcist’s eyes turned pure black. He began speaking in ancient Akkadian before flying up to the ceiling. The specter appeared, snatched the exorcist, and fled into the basement. The janitorial staff is still finding the man’s scattered bones amidst the goo.
We’ll report again later if the administration is successful in ridding themselves of our nation’s occult mascot.
To learn more about our spectral friend, we sent a DT squad to the Library of Congress. After sneaking past the librarians, they entered the forbidden section of the library. And after pouring through dusty tomes and blood-stained scrolls, they uncovered the origins of the specter.
According to one account, a Masonic ritual was performed by our nation’s founders in 1800 to celebrate the completion of the White House. For unstated reasons, they also summoned the six-legged poltergeist from another dimension. They offered it animal sacrifices and virgins in a week-long orgy that swept over the whole city.
The specter has been linked to many odd occurrences that have happened since then.
In 1802, Thomas Jefferson went missing for three days. When his staff found him again, he was markedly different. His eyes were pure black and goo leaked from his mouth and the seam on his neck. His body squelched, as if full of liquid, when he walked. He was also confused by the simplest things: for example, he was unable to turn doorknobs by himself. And he had forgotten how to write English, instead he was only able to write Babylonian cuneiform.
This episode probably explains why Jefferson’s personality changed so much after 1802. Readers of history will know how Thomas Jefferson began styling himself “Emperor of Ktho’th and Herald of the Everlasting Gloom” and how he was fond of ordering the executions of random citizens in Washington DC.
Later in the 20th century, the specter was no doubt behind the infamous White House Bloodbath of ’66. Of this, we will speak no more of in detail.
More recently, it is well-remembered by Washington insiders that the specter devoured First Lady Michelle Obama in 2010. That explains her 4 month absence from the media while another Michelle was grown in the government cloning facility inside the Cheyenne Mountain Complex.
Our covert team ended their report with the first encounter between Trump and the specter. When the newly inaugurated president saw the shadow creature disgorging its viscera on another female White House employee, the president immediately stopped reading his report, walked underneath the specter, unzipped his fly, and urinated straight up in total defiance of gravity.
When asked by those nearby what he was doing, Trump replied that this was how pissing contests were done in New York City.
After that incident, the specter has refused to appear in the same room as Trump.
We’ll let you know the fate of the six-legged specter in a future post. For now, it will continue to haunt the White House, abducting interns and inserting its eggs in sleeping women. At least now we know it can feel fear.
– R. T. Madsen and the DOOM TRUTH crew (special shout out to the DT covert team. We here at HQ salute you for your sacrifice and commitment to TRUTH)