Pope says there is no Hell – the full interview

outer_darkness_3

Artist’s impression of the Outer Darkness

I’m sure everyone’s heard the news: the wayward Patriarch of Rome has said there is no Hell.

This bombshell was dropped during an interview with Eugenio Scalfari of La Repubblica the week before schismatic Easter. Pope Francis said that “bad souls”—i.e. unrepentant souls—do not go to Hell after death, but instead disappear. Poof.

This of course shocked the Catholic world. At this point, the Papists shouldn’t be shocked by what comes out of Vicar Frank’s mouth. And here I thought the guy was infallible.

Well, I bet you haven’t read the rest of the shocking interview. After reaching out to a secret contact inside the Vatican, we got to see the unaltered transcript. There are things here not even included in La Repubblica‘s final version. You read it on DOOM TRUTH first!

The First-Among-Equals expounded his statement:

“Bad souls simply disappear…into the Outer Darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Since, of course, souls do not have either eyes or mouths, there are instead giant pairs of eyes that weep and huge rows of teeth which gnash. Angels eventually come to retrieve these souls and bring them to the Heavenly Processing Plant of Unrepentant Souls.

There the souls are sent down long conveyer belts while angels watch and take notes. The souls are ordered an numbered and move down conveyor belt after conveyer belt. Each new soul is analyzed meticulously for desired qualities.

The hardest, most callus souls are handed over to Spankuel, the angel of cruel and unnecessary punishments, who subjects them to all manner of spiritual torments. After breaking down completely, these souls are sent through a lengthy and rigorous bootcamp under the watch of the Angelic High Command.

Once these souls have been broken and rebuilt into perfect, celetial super-soldiers, they are sent to the barren planet Caal Adroggon, which sits on the brink of the cosmos. There, the souls fight as frontline soldiers in the angels’ eternal war against Yag-Azadu and her million, gibbering spawn.

As for those other souls, they are sent through preliminary rollers to work out kinks and even out the soul ectoplasm. This prepares the souls for the Hallowed Hydraulic Press of YHWH, which was used by God to crush matter into the first stars. Once the souls are flat, like Silly Putty, they are sent to the next stage of processing.

Those souls that do not survive this process are sent down to the incinerators. The ashes are then vented from Heaven.

If you have ever been outside on a cool day and seen a few stray snowflakes fall from the sky, that was not snow. That was once a soul.

The processed unrepentant souls are flung in the Abyss of Esypar, where they are devoured by the Grand Saggogdima, a huge monstrosity the size of a galaxy. There, the souls are bathed in the monster’s caustic stomach juices and acquire bodies of goo. The goo blobs are eventually expelled through one of the Grand Saggogdima’s many orifices. In their goo bodies, the souls are unable to move, so they send a whole lifetime in one spot, being miserable.

When the goo blobs dry up and wither away, the souls are released. Those who do not find their way back to Heaven become lost in the 87th dimension, which separates the Abyss from Heaven. This dimensions is just a long, dark tunnel that goes nowhere. Nothing but ear-splitting screams fills the tunnel. There, the lost souls soon lose their sanity and are lost forever in the dreaded 87th dimension.

Those souls that do make it back to Heaven now have a desirable gooeyness to them. They are sent through a final round of processing which includes them being wrung out on long metal arms like taffy. They are mashed and twisted so the souls are properly softened. The angels are very thorough and take their time with this step, which is critical to the ultimate purpose of these souls.

You may think souls do not feel. You are wrong. They feel much. And this process is far from painless.

Finally, all the souls are dumped into a giant vat where they are mixed by mechanical whisks controlled by angels. The thoroughly mixed soul goop is poured at as fertilizer for the Tree of Life in the Garden of Eden.

And that is the final fate of unrepentant souls. I suppose you could say unrepentant souls disappear, just in a long and really excruciating way.”

There it is, folks. Unrepentant souls are certainly sent through the wringer. So, repent now while you got a chance, otherwise you’ll become goo-poop of the Grand Sagoggdima.

Francis is the pope, so he’s supposed to know what’s talking about. I’m sure he didn’t just make it all up.

– R. T. Madsen and the DOOM TRUTH crew (Special thanks to our secret contact–who shall remain nameless–inside the Vatican. The papists haven’t found you yet!”

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