Trump and Putin discuss upcoming fight

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BREAKING NEWS! – in response to the rising tensions between the United States and the Russian Federation, Presidents Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin have agreed to settle their countries’ differences once and for all with a long-anticipated cage fight.

You read that right: a cage fight. The two presidents will be locked in an arena for five minutes. There can be only one winner. Each president will be representing the honor and supremacy of his country. The future of geopolitics rests on this one fight.

The two countries’ delegates are still hammering out the rules, but you can expect to see the match scheduled for later this year, during the summer or early fall.

This is still being kept hush-hush, but we here at DOOM TRUTH are really glad we installed all those wiretaps in the White House a while back. Which, by the way, was way easier than expected. Now we can share what we learned with you, the truth-starved masses.

A DOOM TRUTH squad was dispatched to the capital to interview President Trump about the upcoming fight.

When asked about the fight, President Trump exuded his usual confidence.

“Oh, I’m the best at fighting, ask anyone. Growing up on the mean streets of New York City, I learned all the best street fighting moves. You know how many knife fights I’ve been in? More than you. And I won ’em all. Otherwise I wouldn’t be sitting here now in this interview. I have a collection of all my victories.”

The president of the United States proceeded to lift up his shirt, revealing a patchwork of red and white scars on his surprisingly muscled waist.

President Trump said nothing of this, but we here at DOOM TRUTH HQ did some digging around the time of the 2016 election and found something about Trump that may connect some dots.

Since a least the 70s, Donald Trump has been part of a highly secretive club that includes only our country’s most wealthy and influential men. The members of this club would fight each other in brutal, bloody duels that makes modern MMA matches look like two girls catfighting on a schoolyard.

All the most powerful and influential politicians since then to today have been part of this club. Barak Obama, Bill Clinton, Warren Buffet, Jeb Bush, to name only a select few. The outcomes of these fights would decide who got to sleep with whose mistress, what economic policies would be set in motion, or which third-world government would be toppled that week.

You would be amazed how many decisions of the past half a century have been decided by this club.

In 1979, Jimmy Carter wanted to nuke the Soviet Union and trigger doomsday, as he had famously said in a private meeting, “I want to nuke the Russians into radioactive dust, snort their ashes, and get a raging high.” Fortunately, the nuke-happy president was defeated in a fight by none other than Donald Trump, who put Carter in a headlock until the president came down off his blood rage.

If the stories about Donald Trump are even partly true, the Russian president will have one hell of a challenge.

When our interviewers travelled to Moscow to interview Russian president Vladimir Putin, our crew was locked in a room with Putin, who sat and stared at them all in complete silence until our team had a nervous breakdown.

We’ll interpret that to mean the Russian president is certain of the outcome of the fight.

Putin’s extreme endurance and power is well known after that incident in 2005. While taking a tour of Moscow, would-be Chechen assassins crashed an 18-wheeler, a large boulder, and half a tenement building on the Russian president. After the whole mess exploded, the fools turned their back on the flaming pile of rubble, thinking Putin was dead. Only too late did they realize their mistake when a shirtless Putin, large shards of glass sticking out of his back, emerged from under a heap of bricks. Each assassin met a swift, brutal end.

It is well known in Russia that pain only makes Putin stronger.

Residents of Moscow can attest to seeing their president lifting a steel bar with two T-90 tanks on either end in preparation for the fight. He then walks on his knees twenty miles through a thunderstorm to a monastery outside the city, where he confesses all his sins to the abbot.

President Trump, on the other hand, is preparing for the fight by standing with his face pressed against a mirror. Trump is reported to say things such as, “Trump, you magnificent bastard, you beautiful human specimen, this it. This is what it’s all about. It all comes down to this”, and “Trump, you son of a bitch, you’ve eaten tougher bastards than this Ruskie for breakfast, crapped ’em out, and then gone back for seconds! This Ruskie’ll be crawling back to Russia with a severe case of kicked-ass”, and, “You weren’t raised in that mountaintop by those freaky monks just to sit around and make billions! Hell no! You’re a living weapon! A creature of prophecy! It’s gonna get all Book of Revelations up in this fight!”

Meanwhile, First Lady Melania is reportedly sitting in a chair on the other side of the room. Her expression is blank, her eyes seem to see something far away. Maybe she’s in her happy place. By that slight smile on her face, it’s apparently very nice there.

The future of both the United States and Russia hang on he outcome of this fight. If Trump wins, the American deep state will have world domination in their grasp. Everyone everywhere will be eating freedom fries and eating hamburgers. If Putin wins…it’ll also be world domination, except replace the fries and burgers with pierogi and vodka. And now I’m hungry. And thirsty.

When we get updates on the match, which is scheduled for later this year, we’ll let you know here on DOOM TRUTH, the internet’s newest, crappiest news site!

– R. T. Madsen and the DOOM TRUTH crew

Pope says there is no Hell – the full interview

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Artist’s impression of the Outer Darkness

I’m sure everyone’s heard the news: the wayward Patriarch of Rome has said there is no Hell.

This bombshell was dropped during an interview with Eugenio Scalfari of La Repubblica the week before schismatic Easter. Pope Francis said that “bad souls”—i.e. unrepentant souls—do not go to Hell after death, but instead disappear. Poof.

This of course shocked the Catholic world. At this point, the Papists shouldn’t be shocked by what comes out of Vicar Frank’s mouth. And here I thought the guy was infallible.

Well, I bet you haven’t read the rest of the shocking interview. After reaching out to a secret contact inside the Vatican, we got to see the unaltered transcript. There are things here not even included in La Repubblica‘s final version. You read it on DOOM TRUTH first!

The First-Among-Equals expounded his statement:

“Bad souls simply disappear…into the Outer Darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Since, of course, souls do not have either eyes or mouths, there are instead giant pairs of eyes that weep and huge rows of teeth which gnash. Angels eventually come to retrieve these souls and bring them to the Heavenly Processing Plant of Unrepentant Souls.

There the souls are sent down long conveyer belts while angels watch and take notes. The souls are ordered an numbered and move down conveyor belt after conveyer belt. Each new soul is analyzed meticulously for desired qualities.

The hardest, most callus souls are handed over to Spankuel, the angel of cruel and unnecessary punishments, who subjects them to all manner of spiritual torments. After breaking down completely, these souls are sent through a lengthy and rigorous bootcamp under the watch of the Angelic High Command.

Once these souls have been broken and rebuilt into perfect, celetial super-soldiers, they are sent to the barren planet Caal Adroggon, which sits on the brink of the cosmos. There, the souls fight as frontline soldiers in the angels’ eternal war against Yag-Azadu and her million, gibbering spawn.

As for those other souls, they are sent through preliminary rollers to work out kinks and even out the soul ectoplasm. This prepares the souls for the Hallowed Hydraulic Press of YHWH, which was used by God to crush matter into the first stars. Once the souls are flat, like Silly Putty, they are sent to the next stage of processing.

Those souls that do not survive this process are sent down to the incinerators. The ashes are then vented from Heaven.

If you have ever been outside on a cool day and seen a few stray snowflakes fall from the sky, that was not snow. That was once a soul.

The processed unrepentant souls are flung in the Abyss of Esypar, where they are devoured by the Grand Saggogdima, a huge monstrosity the size of a galaxy. There, the souls are bathed in the monster’s caustic stomach juices and acquire bodies of goo. The goo blobs are eventually expelled through one of the Grand Saggogdima’s many orifices. In their goo bodies, the souls are unable to move, so they send a whole lifetime in one spot, being miserable.

When the goo blobs dry up and wither away, the souls are released. Those who do not find their way back to Heaven become lost in the 87th dimension, which separates the Abyss from Heaven. This dimensions is just a long, dark tunnel that goes nowhere. Nothing but ear-splitting screams fills the tunnel. There, the lost souls soon lose their sanity and are lost forever in the dreaded 87th dimension.

Those souls that do make it back to Heaven now have a desirable gooeyness to them. They are sent through a final round of processing which includes them being wrung out on long metal arms like taffy. They are mashed and twisted so the souls are properly softened. The angels are very thorough and take their time with this step, which is critical to the ultimate purpose of these souls.

You may think souls do not feel. You are wrong. They feel much. And this process is far from painless.

Finally, all the souls are dumped into a giant vat where they are mixed by mechanical whisks controlled by angels. The thoroughly mixed soul goop is poured at as fertilizer for the Tree of Life in the Garden of Eden.

And that is the final fate of unrepentant souls. I suppose you could say unrepentant souls disappear, just in a long and really excruciating way.”

There it is, folks. Unrepentant souls are certainly sent through the wringer. So, repent now while you got a chance, otherwise you’ll become goo-poop of the Grand Sagoggdima.

Francis is the pope, so he’s supposed to know what’s talking about. I’m sure he didn’t just make it all up.

– R. T. Madsen and the DOOM TRUTH crew (Special thanks to our secret contact–who shall remain nameless–inside the Vatican. The papists haven’t found you yet!”

Secret origins of the Easter bunny

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Well here we are in the afterglow of the Passover. All the Old Covenanters celebrated the Angel of Yahweh killing the naughty Egyptians, and all the New Covenanters celebrated Jesus Christ killing death itself. Whole lotta killing and dying going on. But also a fair amount of feasting and resurrecting too. So it all works out in the end.

Death. Sacrifice. These are the topics of today’s dosage of truth.

DOOM TRUTH is proud to present to you the secret origins of the Easter bunny.

Now many of you are no doubt familiar with this beloved pagan symbol. The cuddly little bunny that goes around laying eggs which children find and stuff in their mouths. Well, let me tell you that this adorable stand-in for Christ has a dark, blood-soaked past.

The modern concept of the Easter bunny was introduced by the Protestants, the same people responsible for replacing the heretic-slapping St. Nicholas with a fat guy from the Arctic circle who breaks into your home in the middle of the night.

The Protestants needed something sterile and secular they could use as the face of the Easter season. Rabbits, being associated with springtime and fertility, were a natural choice for the holiday. Little did the Protestants know they were channeling an ancient and evil symbol.

The “Easter bunny” comes from a little-known pagan deity called by the Romans Abra Cuniculus. Now, you probably haven’t heard of Cuniculus, but back in ancient Rome, this deity was huge. He had temples all over the Greco-Roman world. There was once a large cuniculum in Treverorum (modern day Trier, Germany).

Abra Cuniculus was a fertility god. But it wasn’t all bountiful fields and fat children with Cuniculus: if the god was not offered the proper sacrifices, he would appear and tear apart those ungrateful people.

The Cuniculum in Trier had an inscription above the main doorway to the temple that translates roughly as: “The Rabbit gives and the Rabbit takes away.”

Therefore, it became tradition for supplicants to offer eggs at cuniculums.

Why eggs? Because Abra Cuniculus laid eggs.

We know this from fragmented mosaics found in Pompeii and Herculaneum. Abra Cuniculus was hermaphroditic. The mosaics show the rabbit god procreating with himself and laying eggs. From these eggs burst red-eyed, flesh-hungry rabbits.

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Photograph of Cuniculus mosaic from Pompeii. Notice how the deity is in the middle of laying its eggs. (Credit to Alberta Tangerial of the DOOM TRUTH crew).

As the Roman world descended deeper into hedonism with the rise of the empire, it became fashionable to offer children to the cruel god. We know from scattered records that these people hoped to assuage Cuniculus’s wrath by offering their own children. This practice of child-sacrifice only grew worse in the 3rd and 4th centuries when the Roman world was rocked by catastrophic invasions and political upheaval.

Abra Cuniculus was worshipped by other European cultures as well. Archaeological digs in Ukraine and Russia have revealed that old Slavic tribes worshipped a pointy-eared fertility god named Khipityy Khop’.

These Slavs would paint eggs—a practice which predates the Christian tradition of painted eggs—and leave them for Abra Cuniculus and his spawn to find. There is also good evidence that the children of Slavic tribes would be forced yearly to participate in some kind of sick egg hunt. The price of failure was being torn limb from limb by everyone’s favorite four-legged deity.

Abra Cuniculus’s reign of terror finally came to an end in the 4th century. Saint Lepus Pulmentus came to the cuniculum in Arles (modern-day France). The city was currently starving because it was besieged by Attila the Hun, who is know to have slept with a stuffed effigy of Abra Cuniculus.

Saint Lepus’s encounter is recorded in the Latin text Quam Facere Lepum Pulmentum:

“And the saint Lepus did meet the abyssal rabbit there in the cuniculum.

Cuniculus did say, ‘Feed me a morsel, for I am hungry.’

And the saint did reply, ‘Look in my cap, for in it is a morsel of which you may eat.’

And when the rabbit did put his head in the saint’s hat, the saint did close the rabbit in the hat. Then Lepus ran throughout the city. He struck his hat against the pillars and the walls, against the door frames and the lintels. Yea, he even struck it against the rim of the public toilets. And Cuniculus did cry with a loud voice.

Then the saint cast his hat with the rabbit inside into a pot of boiling water. And then the people of the city did feast on rabbit stew: for forty days and nights they feasted, yet the pot never ran dry of stew.”

To this day the Catholic Church feasts on rabbit stew in honor of St. Lepus Pulmentus every April 31st.

Saint Lepus, of course, gave rise to the notion that rabbits can be found in hats. However, what you’ve seen where a magician pulls a rabbit out of a hat is a Satanic reversal of Cuniculus’s defeat. By crying, “Abracadabra!”—which in Latin means “Abra, come forth!”—these magicians are trying to invoke the long-dead deity.

As Pope Gregory wrote afterwords “What Saint Pulmentus has wrought, let no man seek to reverse.”

With Abra Cuniculus dead, rabbits ceased being an object of fear for Europe.  However, the memory of him remained. There are a number of examples of medieval marginalia—small illustrations in the margins of manuscripts—depicting fierce warrior rabbits. Our medieval ancestors knew what we today have forgotten: rabbits are fierce, man.

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Deadly medieval rabbits (via Dangerous Minds)

And then that brings us to today. The powers-that-be would have you believe Easter is about some pink or blue rabbit that innocently hops around laying eggs.

You think we’re making this all up? Have you seen the classic historical documentary Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Remember the scene with the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog? That was Monty Python trying to tell you something. They remembered that our ancestors used to soil their tunics over those pointy-eared rodents.

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The conspiracy

Donnie Darko. The Playboy logo. The white rabbit from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. Bugs Bunny—they’re all tapping into the same, demonic source.

Bugs Bunny! He’s taken right out of the pages of a lesser-known work of Livy called the Cuniculiad, where the Roman hunter Elmerus Fudus tries to catch Cuniculus himself.

But now you know the truth.

Don’t fall for these lies any longer. Don’t let your kids participate in heathen easter eggs hunts.

With all this rabbit imagery, Cuniculus may return. Don’t let modern-day Satanists that control Hollywood and the media resurrect Abra Cuniculus

Warn your friends.

– R. T. Madsen and the DOOM TRUTH crew (special thanks to Alberta, who recently came back from a covert operation in Italy).

 

The Clinton’s home vanishes in a burst of flames; reappears moments later

An unnamed source inside the Clinton’s Chappaqua, NY home has reported that the entire house vanished in a burst of flames. This came on the footsteps of hours of inhuman screams coming from inside.

I promise you, dear doom-truther, you won’t find this story in the New York Times or anywhere else for that matter.

We have good sources on this story. An unnamed employee of the Clinton’s Chappaqua estate has confirmed that around 3:00 AM EST last night, the entire house vanished in a blast of fire that lit several trees and hedges on fire. The flames were promptly put out by staff members without the aid of the local fire department.

The house vanished after several hours of screaming. According to our source, the screaming came from somewhere down in the vast, labyrinthian basement of the house, in which many staff members have disappeared over the years.

About fifteen minutes after 3, our source says, the house reappeared in another burst of flames. Smoke and whiffs of sulfur covered the estate grounds for some time after. Miraculously, the lights were on in the house. The power lines and plumbing, severed when the house vanished, were all reconnected.

Bill and Hill, holding hands, stepped out of the front door and told their gathered, frightened staff that all was well. Throughout her short speech, Hill kept referring to “visiting the Master”, and “speaking with the Bright One”, and “drinking the covenantal blood of the elohim of Alpha Centauri”.

The Clinton couple acted as if they had been gone for some time; years even. Hill had clearly forgotten the names of all her staffers and simply referred to her African-American butler of fifteen years as “the black one.”

While she spoke, our source reports, muscles under Hill’s face squirmed, distorting the skin. Her face began to sag: Bill had to hold the folds of her eyelids up so she could see.

Our source says, “I watched in horror as Mrs. Clinton’s face started to melt. It was just her face though, nothing else. Her left eye started sliding down, the whole socket moving. It was like her face was Play-Doh being molded by a child. I’m new, so this thing disturbed me deeply. But other staff members who’ve been here longer didn’t bat an eye.”

Hill abruptly ended the speech by saying that there were several new positions open in the basement cleaning crew. A handful of lucky staff members could make a whopping $5 more an hour by simply—as she put it—”…You know, just kinda go down there and wander around the labyrinth a little. You’ll know when the job begins.”

By the end of her speech, Hill’s face was completely deformed. One eye was up where her forehead used to be while the other was peering at the crowd from her cheek. Her mouth was at a near vertical angle, running from where her eyebrows used to be to her chin.

She and Bill bade their staff good night and retired to their bedroom without further explanation.

What does this mean, adroit internaut? Do Bill and Hill have a dark secret that their media whores aren’t telling us? It seems so. Where did Bill n’ Hill go, and why? What’s wrong with Hill’s face? We’ll continue digging and let you know what we find.

Remember, you heard this story first on DOOM TRUTH: the internet’s #1 site for “fake news”.

– R. T. Madsen and the DOOM TRUTH crew